Twitter digest 19th February 2010

Belated digest joy, including fine input from usual suspects @leeblackwood and @danny_dickblood of Ain’t It Bale News, plus honourable mention to a new UnFacter, the charming @ColossalFloyd. Welcome, brother. Come on in, the water’s lovely and warm.

Oh, it’s not water. It’s Dickblood’s piss. Damn you, Dickblood! Damn you all to hell!

Inspired by the Lord of the Rings cast, everyone from Transformers 2 has a tattoo reading “Kill All Spastics”.

Danny DeVito was mistaken for a giant jelly baby by school children & found in agony, half eaten, in a Tesco food aisle. (@mondoghosto)

Sony have sold the Moon sequel rights to Platinum Dunes. Moon 2: The Revengening will star 6 Vin Diesels kicking alien ass.

Alex Winter is seeking funding for Keanu-free threequel, Bill & Ted’s Sodomite Odyssey.

Lars von trier has comfirmed he is remaking ‘the idiots’ in 3D for imax cinemas. (@leeblackwood)

Die Hard originated as a sequel to Brit film Kes, about a tough New York cop and his pet kestrel, entitled Fly Hard. (@Colossal Floyd)

If Chuck Norris did a sudoku puzzle, it would bring about eternal peace between human, Na’vi and cylon.

As a smug physics in-joke, Quantum Leap: The Movie is to be shot in compactified 12-D.

Haley Joel Osment is now a subway train driver in NY and is addicted to sniffing glue. (@leeblackwood)

Christian Bale turned down a part in M:I-4 because they wouldn’t let him use his foreskin for a rubber mask.

If you watch ‘Candyman’ 5 times in a row you will recieve a fish hook and some wasps in the post. (@leeblackwood)

Ronny Wu has started work on an adaptation of Mrs Tiggywinkle. Samurai Hedgehog Death Bitch will be out in 2012.

Richard Gere has flatly refused to cameo in Lemmiwinks: The Movie.

Sean Connery refused to star in Indy 4 because he strongly felt that it should have been him in the fridge. (@leeblackwood)

In a recent interview, superstar Leonardo DiCaprio vowed to give up Marty Scorsese’s dick in honor of Lent, but only for a day. (@danny_dickblood)

Whenever the words ‘Akira’ and ‘remake’ appear in the same sentence, enough nerd fury is generated to flatten Neo-Tokyo.

“Red studded leather & Black vinyl dongs, these are a few of my favourite thongs” The original lyrics from ‘The Sound Of Music.’ (@unklerupert)

Eddie “the method” Murphy spent two weeks in a mexican donkey show to prepare himself for the original Shrek. (@Hip_Priest_Kobe)

During filming on The French Connection, Gene Hackman prepared for action scenes by snorting lines of powdered human foetuses.

Plans to shoot groundbreaking British independent film Moon entirely on location were abandoned due to budget constraints. (@ColossalFloyd)

Bullitt’s classic car-chase scene was shot entirely on the dodgem circuit at Clacton pleasure beach.

The director Tony Kaye was created in a lab by robots using Roald Dahl books and Alien 4 for reference. (@leeblackwood)

Biopic of Scots archaeologist Lord Elgin canned after producers refuse to drop the title ‘Thieving Imperialist Cunt’.

Towards the end of his life, Peter Lorre was so addicted to Scalextric that he thought he was a one inch tall racing driver.

James Cameron’s great-great-grandfather came up with the plot for the blockbuster Titanic in 1893. (@ColossalFloyd)

Scary Movie 4 has come 2nd in a poll to find the worst experiences possible, above anal rape but below paper-cuts.

Rob Bottin’s designs in The Thing were all based on things produced by him and John Carpenter after a dodgy Indian meal.

Before a web-based pressure campaign was launched, Samuel L Jackson was originally set to play a trolley usher in Snacks on a Train. (@ColossalFloyd)

Kurt Russell is so cool, other actors put their packed lunches in him to keep them fresh.

It once took Warner Bros three days to convince Keanu Reeves that he hadn’t been in Superman The Movie.

Before becoming an actress, Gabourey Sidibe won three consecutive gold medals in Olympic luge, in both women’s and men’s events.

In the confusing first draft of the Avatar script, all of the characters were called Graham.

Harrison Ford has died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Aspen. A note left behind reads: “For Indy 4, I’m sorry.” (@danny_dickblood)

Paula Abdul choreographed the dancing in The Running Man. … Oh shit, that’s actually true. Damn!

Eli Roth plans to remake all Frank Capra’s films. It’s A Wonderful Life will climax with a George Bailey axe-murder frenzy.

The rolling boulder in Raiders of the Lost Arc is also in the Guinness Book of Records for the largest rubber band ball. (@ColossalFloyd)

John Wayne once fucked a horse so hard, they both got nose bleeds.

Richard Dawkins doesn’t believe in Eywa or the power of the home tree. He does, however, think L Ron Hubbard had a point.

Pinewood studios’ new lava stage is the only one in europe and is kept constantly on fire. (@leeblackwood)

Roland Emmerich’s failed pitch for Mamma Mia 2 ended with Streep hurling Kalokairi into the sun to stop Brosnan singing.

Following the Metropolis webcast, next year’s Berlinale will be streaming the 6-hour cut of Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

Strangers on a Train is based on a true story, but in real life Hitchcock and the young man blew each other and no-one died.

Breaking News: Pixar buys up stock of comic books to adapt. First up; Alan Moore’s Lost Girls in 3-D.

While filming The Machinist, Christian Bale impressed the crew by peforming psychic surgery on a hamster with peritonitis.

When Willem Dafoe eats a Snickers bar, he shits it out the next day intact, still in its wrapper, but with no peanuts.

Herschell Gordon Lewis has been approached to direct Harry Potter 9 – Randy Ron’s Titty-bar of Terror.

Guy Ritchie’s original title for ‘Swept Away’ was ‘Wife Sex Fantasy’ until the film accidently got the go ahead. (@leeblackwood)

The lobster scene in Annie Hall was reshot after the original, featuring 14 out of control vibrators, scared test audiences.

A now-insane George Lucas is to make a movie of Dharma & Greg, set on the island from Lost and starring an all-squirrel cast.

A robot made from decomposing bits of Lloyd Bridges will play the Walter Pidgeon role in Jon Amiel’s ‘reimagining’ of Forbidden Planet.

Brian Donlevy’s grandson Trumper is to star in the Farrely Bros’ next toilet-based comedy, Quatermass and the Shit.

The latest remake of Planet of the Apes will star Grange Hill’s Erkan Mustafa in the bikini-wearing Linda Harrison role.

The director’s cut of Good Will Hunting includes a scene in which Matt Damon weaves Robin Williams’ body hair into a slanket.

James Cameron has confirmed that the upcoming Avatar novel will be a pop-up book, to match the gimmicky nature of the film.

After watching Indiana Jones 4, former UN secretary general Kofi Annan tried to scratch out his own eyes with a pencil.

Queen’s Brian May is to play Denis Thatcher in a slanderous new film about Ronald Reagan raping the Queen Mother.

Tom Cruise is crippled by a paranoid delusion that all the world’s blue cheese is trying to send him back in time to 1961.

During a 3-day argument on the Green Mile set, a furious Michael Clarke Duncan inserted Tom Hanks into his own rectum.

Gaspar Noe is a virgin.