…

Vincent Price spent most of the last day of his life hurling mangoes at photographs of Shirley Temple.

Oscar-fave The Hurt Locker is actually a loose remake of Mae West’s last film, Sextette. A VERY loose remake.

The working title of Saving Private Ryan was ‘Far-fetched triumphalist American war film 4,210 (The Revengening)’

Tim Burton has been ejected from an LA screening of Alice, for masturbating on the audience.

The long-awaited Roger Rabbit 2 will see Eddie Valliant and Roger investigating the Black Dahlia rape/murder case.

Gene Hackman played percussion on the Gerry Rafferty song ‘Baker Street’ (@leeblackwood)

Ben-Hur was shot entirely on location in Shropshire.

Jerry Goldsmith’s Omen theme was inspired by the bell on top of an ice-cream van which haunted his childhood.

Ray Winstone lives in london because he only drinks hard water. If he drank soft water his body would violently reject it. (@leeblackwood)

Eli Roth is planning to remake all 21 Bond films, in order, starring a chainsaw and three hand grenades.

Uwe Boll is planning to remake all 31 Carry On films, in order, starring Erica Durance and a talking sock.

Brian De Palma is planning to remake all 52 of Hitchcock’s films, in order, for no reason whatsoever.

Marlon Brando was convinced that his bath towels were recording his thoughts and transmitting them to the CIA.

George Lucas is planning to remake all 6 Star Wars films, in originally released order, starring no one at all. (@leeblackwood)

While filming The Seven Year Itch, Marilyn Monroe developed a topical infection that made her talk like Karl Malden.

Colin Firth didn’t know that his character in A Single Man was gay until someone told him on the red carpet at the BAFTAs.

The working title of Don’t Look Now was ‘No Peeking, Silly’. (@philrobs)

The Ipcress file only exists due to a typo. The original pitch was about a man who grows salad in his filing cabinet.

Matt Damon and Ben Afleck had a child together during Good Will Hunting. (@leeblackwood)

If you play the reels of Last Year In Marienbad in reverse order, Delphine Seyrig explains the plot of Memento.

Unable to find a genuinely possessed VW beetle, the producers of The Love Bug used trained wood-lice to operate Herbie.

The sound mixing for Terminator Salvation was done by an army of slighly drunk hamsters.

Christopher Walken has been taken into care, after claiming that all the world’s long grasses and shrubs are his enemies.

The Baldwin Estate is in talks to trade out Stephen Baldwin for Adam Baldwin and a Baldwin to be named later. (@malusman)

Director McG’s Covent Garden flat has been taken over by 500 intelligent squirrels, demanding more Charlie’s Angels films.

Odeon cinemas may refuse to screen Twilight: Eclipse, as the cost of drying the cinema seats will outweigh the ticket sales.

David Lynch recommends rubbing peyote on your eyelids before watching Inland Empire. But don’t do it while watching Lazy Town.

Jackie Brown was a last minute replacement for Tarantino’s doomed dream project, Freddie Mercury’s World At War.

The producers of Van Damme’s Timecop were successfully sued for plagiarism by the creators of Brit kid’s show, Mr Benn. (@ColossalFloyd)

At the insistence of Disney execs, four instances of the word ‘fisting’ were cut from Mary Poppins.

Morgan Freeman based his portrayal of Nelson Mandela on Richard Pryor’s work in ‘See No Evil, Hear No Evil’ (@danny_dickblood)

Lars von Trier’s controversial new film, ‘The Prophet Mohammed was a Homo’, has been postponed indefinitely.

Christopher Walken has been taken into care, after claiming that all the world’s long grasses and shrubs are his enemies.

Anne Francis’ costumes in Forbidden Planet were designed by a consortium of 50s space perverts.

Duncan Jones has spoken of his ‘deep regret’ at having to cut an all-Rockwell masturbation contest scene from Moon.

Michael Winners ‘Death Wash’ featuring Bronson, soap & a mortuary was canned when Radox refused to fund. (@unklerupert)

Sam Peckinpah originally wanted to make The Wild Bunch as a musical comedy, but sensibly reconsidered.

Michael Bay intends to remake Doug Liman’s Swingers. The phrase ‘you’re so money’ will become ‘holy shit, your face exploded’.

Park Chan-wook’s next ‘trilogy’ will deal with sexual health issues. Sympathy for Mr Gonorrhea will be out next year.

Genre-busting movie ‘Romulans & Rebus’ the space-based detective story based on the creation of Rome has been canned. (@unklerupert)

Not only will UnFacts News be big, dumb and exciting, it’ll be interactive. We’re inviting submissions for stories of up to 250 words, on any subject, to be emailed to filmunfacts@googlemail.com.

You have your instructions. Now make news. The closing date for news bulletin number one is Friday 26th Feb 2010.

Further, if we reached the 200 follower milestone, we would make public the naked pictures of @danny_dickblood that came into our possession (via @LilTedLeighton, Dickblood’s teen lover).

As a final incentive, we added a threat; if we did not make the century, images of our co-founder, @montimer, in a state of hideous undress, would be published.

Find out the result by clicking to read more …

83 followers as of 10pm GMT on Feb 19th 2010.

So here, as threatened, is a picture of Montimo Ghosto. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Oh, it’s not water. It’s Dickblood’s piss. Damn you, Dickblood! Damn you all to hell!

Inspired by the Lord of the Rings cast, everyone from Transformers 2 has a tattoo reading “Kill All Spastics”.

Danny DeVito was mistaken for a giant jelly baby by school children & found in agony, half eaten, in a Tesco food aisle. (@mondoghosto)

Sony have sold the Moon sequel rights to Platinum Dunes. Moon 2: The Revengening will star 6 Vin Diesels kicking alien ass.

Alex Winter is seeking funding for Keanu-free threequel, Bill & Ted’s Sodomite Odyssey.

Lars von trier has comfirmed he is remaking ‘the idiots’ in 3D for imax cinemas. (@leeblackwood)

Die Hard originated as a sequel to Brit film Kes, about a tough New York cop and his pet kestrel, entitled Fly Hard. (@Colossal Floyd)

If Chuck Norris did a sudoku puzzle, it would bring about eternal peace between human, Na’vi and cylon.

As a smug physics in-joke, Quantum Leap: The Movie is to be shot in compactified 12-D.

Haley Joel Osment is now a subway train driver in NY and is addicted to sniffing glue. (@leeblackwood)

Christian Bale turned down a part in M:I-4 because they wouldn’t let him use his foreskin for a rubber mask.

If you watch ‘Candyman’ 5 times in a row you will recieve a fish hook and some wasps in the post. (@leeblackwood)

Ronny Wu has started work on an adaptation of Mrs Tiggywinkle. Samurai Hedgehog Death Bitch will be out in 2012.

Richard Gere has flatly refused to cameo in Lemmiwinks: The Movie.

Sean Connery refused to star in Indy 4 because he strongly felt that it should have been him in the fridge. (@leeblackwood)

In a recent interview, superstar Leonardo DiCaprio vowed to give up Marty Scorsese’s dick in honor of Lent, but only for a day. (@danny_dickblood)

Whenever the words ‘Akira’ and ‘remake’ appear in the same sentence, enough nerd fury is generated to flatten Neo-Tokyo.

“Red studded leather & Black vinyl dongs, these are a few of my favourite thongs” The original lyrics from ‘The Sound Of Music.’ (@unklerupert)

Eddie “the method” Murphy spent two weeks in a mexican donkey show to prepare himself for the original Shrek. (@Hip_Priest_Kobe)

During filming on The French Connection, Gene Hackman prepared for action scenes by snorting lines of powdered human foetuses.

Plans to shoot groundbreaking British independent film Moon entirely on location were abandoned due to budget constraints. (@ColossalFloyd)

Bullitt’s classic car-chase scene was shot entirely on the dodgem circuit at Clacton pleasure beach.

The director Tony Kaye was created in a lab by robots using Roald Dahl books and Alien 4 for reference. (@leeblackwood)

Biopic of Scots archaeologist Lord Elgin canned after producers refuse to drop the title ‘Thieving Imperialist Cunt’.

Towards the end of his life, Peter Lorre was so addicted to Scalextric that he thought he was a one inch tall racing driver.

James Cameron’s great-great-grandfather came up with the plot for the blockbuster Titanic in 1893. (@ColossalFloyd)

Scary Movie 4 has come 2nd in a poll to find the worst experiences possible, above anal rape but below paper-cuts.

Rob Bottin’s designs in The Thing were all based on things produced by him and John Carpenter after a dodgy Indian meal.

Before a web-based pressure campaign was launched, Samuel L Jackson was originally set to play a trolley usher in Snacks on a Train. (@ColossalFloyd)

Kurt Russell is so cool, other actors put their packed lunches in him to keep them fresh.

It once took Warner Bros three days to convince Keanu Reeves that he hadn’t been in Superman The Movie.

Before becoming an actress, Gabourey Sidibe won three consecutive gold medals in Olympic luge, in both women’s and men’s events.

In the confusing first draft of the Avatar script, all of the characters were called Graham.

Harrison Ford has died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Aspen. A note left behind reads: “For Indy 4, I’m sorry.” (@danny_dickblood)

Paula Abdul choreographed the dancing in The Running Man. … Oh shit, that’s actually true. Damn!

Eli Roth plans to remake all Frank Capra’s films. It’s A Wonderful Life will climax with a George Bailey axe-murder frenzy.

The rolling boulder in Raiders of the Lost Arc is also in the Guinness Book of Records for the largest rubber band ball. (@ColossalFloyd)

John Wayne once fucked a horse so hard, they both got nose bleeds.

Richard Dawkins doesn’t believe in Eywa or the power of the home tree. He does, however, think L Ron Hubbard had a point.

Pinewood studios’ new lava stage is the only one in europe and is kept constantly on fire. (@leeblackwood)

Roland Emmerich’s failed pitch for Mamma Mia 2 ended with Streep hurling Kalokairi into the sun to stop Brosnan singing.

Following the Metropolis webcast, next year’s Berlinale will be streaming the 6-hour cut of Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

Strangers on a Train is based on a true story, but in real life Hitchcock and the young man blew each other and no-one died.

Breaking News: Pixar buys up stock of comic books to adapt. First up; Alan Moore’s Lost Girls in 3-D.

While filming The Machinist, Christian Bale impressed the crew by peforming psychic surgery on a hamster with peritonitis.

When Willem Dafoe eats a Snickers bar, he shits it out the next day intact, still in its wrapper, but with no peanuts.

Herschell Gordon Lewis has been approached to direct Harry Potter 9 – Randy Ron’s Titty-bar of Terror.

Guy Ritchie’s original title for ‘Swept Away’ was ‘Wife Sex Fantasy’ until the film accidently got the go ahead. (@leeblackwood)

The lobster scene in Annie Hall was reshot after the original, featuring 14 out of control vibrators, scared test audiences.

A now-insane George Lucas is to make a movie of Dharma & Greg, set on the island from Lost and starring an all-squirrel cast.

A robot made from decomposing bits of Lloyd Bridges will play the Walter Pidgeon role in Jon Amiel’s ‘reimagining’ of Forbidden Planet.

Brian Donlevy’s grandson Trumper is to star in the Farrely Bros’ next toilet-based comedy, Quatermass and the Shit.

The latest remake of Planet of the Apes will star Grange Hill’s Erkan Mustafa in the bikini-wearing Linda Harrison role.

The director’s cut of Good Will Hunting includes a scene in which Matt Damon weaves Robin Williams’ body hair into a slanket.

James Cameron has confirmed that the upcoming Avatar novel will be a pop-up book, to match the gimmicky nature of the film.

After watching Indiana Jones 4, former UN secretary general Kofi Annan tried to scratch out his own eyes with a pencil.

Queen’s Brian May is to play Denis Thatcher in a slanderous new film about Ronald Reagan raping the Queen Mother.

Tom Cruise is crippled by a paranoid delusion that all the world’s blue cheese is trying to send him back in time to 1961.

During a 3-day argument on the Green Mile set, a furious Michael Clarke Duncan inserted Tom Hanks into his own rectum.

Gaspar Noe is a virgin.

Top work here from @malusman, @danny_dickblood and the lovely @mondoghosto, and boo-hiss to @empiremagazine for their “madeuposcarfacts”, the most blatant rip-off in twitter history.

…

Breaking News: Dakota Fanning’s cherry auctioned at Haiti benefit, makes 800K. Winner is phone bidder called “Uncle Roman”.

Roman Polanski has started production on Pete Townshend biopic entitled: “The Kids Are Alright, My Generation Likes To Fuck.” (@danny_dickblood)

When an Oompa-Loompa actor dies, the others are legally required to perform an ironic song at the funeral.

Breaking News: New Line announce Jason Voorhees prequel trilogy. The first installment, Wednesday the 10th, is due for release in 2011.

Requiem for a Dream’s “ass to ass” is based on a notorious clip of a drunk Shirley Temple and a stoned Judy Garland, from 1938.

MGM owns a print of Gone With the Wind in which Rhett tells Scarlett, “Frankly, my dear, I could shit a piano in this state.”

Florinda Balkan rehearsed all her dialogue scenes for Flavia the Heretic in NASA’s vomit-comet.

Christian Bale’s home phone number is unlisted because dialling it backwards summons the devil.

Tinto Brass is able to apply a variety of colours to metal by rubbing himself off on it. (@unklerupert)

After the premiere of Psycho, a cheerfully drunk Alfred Hitchcock was found polishing his head at his local bowling alley.

Between Liberty Valance and How the West Was Won, a bored John Ford invented rimming, felching and sudoku.

In Wizard of Oz, it is said that you can see a dead Munchkin hanging from a tree – it is actually Judy Garland’s testicles. (@malusman)

James Cameron devoted two years of his hiatus to training sperm to do tricks. He failed, and made Avatar out of frustration.

Ron Howard is prepping a $300mil adaptation of Dan Brown’s latest writing, “Things I Need to Buy from Wal-Mat This Weekend”.

Along with the shoes, Imelda Marcos also had 642 pairs of Woody Allen in her closet, of varying sizes and colours. (@mondoghosto)

Breaking News: Joe Johnston says his Capt. America will be a shot-for-shot remake of the 1990 adap starring Matt Salinger.

At the end of Lost in Translation, Bill Murray whispers to Scarlet Johansson, ‘Jesus told me to put my cock in you.’

Judd Nelson played female lead in a BratPack version of Titanic, wanking male lead Charlie Sheen over the side of a pedalo. (@mondoghosto)

Best Supporting.Actress nominee Mo’Nique has an even fatter sister called Most’Nique.

Jeff Bridges’ Starman costume was made by rubbing angel’s semen into cling-film. (Or saran-wrap for our American cousins.)

Legendary Special Effects wizard Michael Lantieri created a 12 ton gimble to be used as Gabourey Sidibe’s couch in ‘Precious’. (@danny_dickblood)

Fincher’s original concept for Se7en was a killer who paints his victims in the colours of the rainbow.

BBC have announced that a Torchwood film, ‘Captain Jack vs the Space Bummers’, is in development. Schumacher to direct.

Christopher Nolan cast Maggie Gyllenhaal in ‘The Dark Knight’ because she reminded him of ‘Grimace’ his beloved French Bulldog. (@danny_dickblood)

Brian Dennehy has a complete list of every handicapped child in the US. He calls it ‘the rape bank’.

Talented thespian Leonardo DiCaprio’s directors chair on the set of the upcoming ‘Shutter Island,’ read “MARTY’S GIRL”. (@danny_dickblood)

Filming was halted on Raging Bull when DeNiro developed musical diarrhea, and kept shitting the theme from M*A*S*H on set.

Christian Bale was originally cast in Invictus, but it fell through when he insisted on wearing the Batsuit during filming. (@malusman)

Breaking News – Warwick Davis cast as The Kingpin in Daredevil reboot.

In Hannah Montana 2 – The Revengening, Miley Cyrus will be fighting the entire SAS in a tree house.

Billy Crystal recorded his Monsters, Inc role while being fellated by a six year old Paraguayan boy.

When 2 people on the set have the same name, Steven Speilberg renames one of them “Moose”. (@malusman)

Matt Damon’s mole has been made captain of the South African national rugby team.

Sections of Moulin Rouge had to be re-shot when producers lost the rights to use any of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s music.

Contrary to myth, a live round was NOT used in the Russian-roulette scene in ‘Deer Hunter’. DeNiro was actually jerking off. (@danny_dickblood)

Breaking Spider-News: Spidey reboot to be set in Alaska, with an all-eunuch cast.

In accordance with new casting guidelines, Christian Bale is to be replaced by Bill Milner in Batman Revengened.

Donald Trump was the original choice for the role of Superman’s father, but had to withdraw over “barber issues”. (@mondoghosto)

Jodie Foster was cast in Taxi Driver after beating Scorsese in a belching contest.

Tom Cruise insists on being paid in baby hair. (@malusman)

The producers of Dirty Harry insisted on shooting a ‘safety’ take of every shot, with Estelle Getty in the role of Harry.

Matt Damon started life as UNIX background program ‘Matt Daemon’ before being re-written by Anthony Michael Hall. (@unklerupert)

Edward Norton couldn’t get rid of that tattoo from ‘american histroy X’ so he turned it into a window frame showing a sunny day. (@leeblackwood)

Roger Rabbit did it. And in a deleted scene, he smokes a spliff and beats Jessica Rabbit with a novelty dildo. (@liltedleighton)

During the Enchanted shoot, Amy Adams wasted two full days of filming because she kept shouting “cunt!” at a squirrel.

Originally, Michael Caine’s famous line in the Italian Job was “You were only supposed to give them bloody blow jobs!” (@mondoghosto)

George Melies’ Voyage dans la Lune was actually filmed on the moon. The original Sam Bell played a robot.

George Lucas has stated the ‘Sarlacc Pit’ was inspired by a run-in he had in the 70′s with Anjelica Huston’s fallopian tubes. (@danny_dickblood)

Scorsese was inspired to cast DeNiro in Cape Fear after walking in him raping his daughter.

During the hot tub scene in About Schmidt, a rotten otter fell out of Kathy Bates’ vagina. Everyone was too polite to mention it.

Between films, Sly Stallone operates as a prostitute out of a rabbit warren under the Golden Gate Bridge. (@mondoghosto)

Amy Adams delayed filming of Night at the Museum 2 until her bitter blood feud with Robin Williams was resolved. (@malusman)

Richard Fairbrass was replaced by Craig Fairbrass in ‘Dead Cert’ for exceeding the EU nipple quota. (@unklerupert)

Ryan Reynolds is developing a script for his dream superhero project, Racist-man. Mel Gibson is attached to direct.

Tommy Lee Jones has so far smuggled 7,564 mexicans across the boder in his face. (@unklerupert)

Michael Caine plans to lead a brigade of red-coats against the spear-chucking Na’vi and wipe them the fuck out, Zulu-style.

Originally the MPAA gave ‘Green Card’ an X-Rating, alleging “Gérard Depardieu’s nose looks like a fucking dick.” (@danny_dickblood)

Watchmen 2: The Revengening will focus on a new group of heroes based on favourite sweets from the 80s.

During Kate Winslet’s nude scene in Titanic, it’s actually James Cameron’s hands that are seen masturbating. (@malusman)

Arthur Conan Doyle’s remains are to cameo in Sherlock Holmes 2, as ‘third sodomized corpse from the right’.

Danny Dyer has just been announced as starring in Bay’s new adaptation of Dante’s Inferno: Fiery Cunts of Death. (@liltedleighton)

The design for Robby the Robot in Forbidden Planet was inspired by a penile infection Sam Goldwyn picked up in Malaysia.

Under Seige 3: The Revengening, was canned after Seagal killed a grip over a lack of placenta jerky in craft services.

As well as providing Darth Maul’s voice, Peter Serafinowicz also played his legs, one ear and three background jawas.

Julia Roberts was originally considered for the title role in “Che”, but the costs to trim down her beard would sink the film. (@malusman)

In Lucas’s newest re-fucking of Star Wars, Greedo shoots first AND second, and Han doesn’t even have a gun.

Much like the amputee visual effect seen in films, a green sock was used to remove Megan Fox’s penis in Transformers. (@danny_dickblood)

Noel Coward changed his line in Italian Job, as he felt “somebody has busted into my shitter” didn’t have the right ring to it.

Piers Brosnan quit the Bond franchise after reading the script for the putative 22nd flick, ‘Cuntscraper’.

During Brittany Murphy’s autopsy, the pathologist discovered a doorway to a Cenobite-filled anti-Narnia in her colon.

In Abel Ferrara’s rejected script for Lazy Town: The Movie, Sportacus teaches Stephanie the real meaning of “sports candy”.

20s racist DW Griffith was notorious for hurling his own faeces at actresses. He called it a ‘coon shower’.

Val Kilmer built a glory hole into his trailer for Top Gun, so the other pilots could lick at his little “ice-man”. (@mondoghosto)

Breaking news: Zac Efron has been cast as Robert Pattinson in “Cunt: The Movie”.

Mere moments after we digested that momentous piece of news, an extraordinary (and utterly exclusive) piece of art arrived at Unfacts HQ. Drawn by an in-house work experience artist from Legendary Pictures, the image we were sent is the first official piece of concept art from the most pointless sequel since The Godfather Part 3.

The concept art shows three new characters – the masked vigilante Mr Punchy, the sumptuous Camel Toe, and the giant orange CG blob creature Dr Orange, although we understand this last one is only a working name.

Our source at Warner Bros has promised more exclusives in the next few days, including a look at the first few pages of the screenplay, so check back regularly.

And now, the art …

click the thumbnail to view

In director Charles Vidor’s recently declassified autobiography, ‘Film, Spunk and I – A Hollywood Expose’, he describes how on one uneventful day shooting ‘Gilda’, Rita Hayworth stumbled upon the theory and practice of the erstwhile blowy.

“It was a warm day,” Vidor recounts, with typical candour. “Our bastard cunt of a gaffer had fucked up, and forgotten to bring his equipment. Of course I bawled the prick out, but what are you gonna do? It was an impossible fucking situation.”  Vidor goes on to describe how rather than waste a day, he elected to run lines with Glen Ford and George MacReady, whose toughest scene they were supposed to be filming the next day.

Hayworth, who had wasted a trip to the studio, decided to spend a few hours sunbathing outside, and work on her golden bronze tan. Unfortunately, Ford (as usual) was as drunk as ten men, and after screaming at Vidor for “getting into his shit” (possibly a reference to Vidor’s rumoured gaymosexuality), called him a “nigger” (possibly a reference to Vidor’s rumoured Nigerian ancestry) and threw him bodily through the nearest door.  Vidor, reeling, stumbled towards Hayworth’s sunbathing form.

The sheer G-force of flying through the air caused Vidor’s trousers and underwear to fall down, and upon landing on Hayworth, his penis shot straight down her throat.  Suffering from premature ejaculation all his life, and because Hayworth’s mouth was laced with saliva from sucking on a lollipop, Vidor ejaculated all over Hayworth’s form, screaming the words “Mummy, no!”  Far from embarrassed, and knowing that they were onto a winner, the couple began to experiment after shooting hours.

By the night of the ’46 Oscars, Vidor and Hayworth had perfected the technique, although some of their elaborations may seem odd to modern-day cocksuckers. The thirty minutes of testicular caresses with a Barbie doll certainly never became standard practice, and neither did Hayworth’s ‘nodding panther’ technique, but the assembled Hollywood luminaries in attendance quickly declared Vidor and Hayworth’s invention to be a success, awarding it an honorary statuette in the technical innovation category.  By the end of the ceremony, so Vidor’s memoir attests, half of the ceremony’s attendees were confirmed members of ‘the Suck-Club’, with Frank Capra and Lillian Gish particularly keen to develop the technique.

Rumour has it (a rumour which Vidor does nothing to dispel) that 1947’s big Oscar winner, Gentleman’s Agreement, is largely based on that wonderful night when Hollywood first discovered the technique that would lead to every actress’s first  job for decades to come.

And that, UnFriends, is the true story of Rita “Ol’ Slippery Lips” Hayworth and the birth of oral sex.

(Unless otherwise indicated, Unfacts are the work of FilmUnfacts originators Ben Shillito and Ben Mortimer, aka @bshillito and @montimer.)

In the mid-60s, Michael Caine’s glasses had their own agent.

As a tribute to Christopher Reeve, Bryan Singer had planned to put Brandon Routh in a wheelchair as Clark Kent.

5,000 Oscar ballots were recalled in 2006 when White Noise 2 was accidentally nominated for Best Documentary.

There is a pornographic version of ‘White Noise’. It is called ‘Brown Noise’. You can fill in the rest.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are currently rehearing for ‘Straw Dogs – The Musical’.

‘Battle Royale’ started out as an unsuccessful adaptation of UK children’s TV show ‘Funhouse’.

In the rebooted ‘Spider-Man’ Peter Parker ejaculates into his hand and throws it into MJ’s face.

Casablanca was hastily re-dubbed after the line “Play it, nigger” proved unpopular with test audiences.

The 1952 sequel ‘Lassie, Stop Humping My Leg’ was canned by nauseated MGM execs and has still never been shown.

While shooting Serenity, Joss Whedon demanded the whole cast, especially Nathan Fillion, be covered in oil for all rehearsals. (@LilTedLeighton)

Maria Schneider hasn’t eaten butter since 1972.

During the shoot of Vertigo, Jimmy Stewart wandered into San Francisco’s gay quarter, and wasn’t seen again for 2 weeks.

After filming The Reader, Kate Winslet kept her merkin as a pet. She calls it ‘fluffles’.

‘Jew Hunter’ was Christoph Waltz’s nickname at SS high school.

George Clooney’s bat suit didn’t have rubber nipples on it – he was just really, really cold.

Stanley Kubrick intended to film the story of Thatcherism but couldn’t complete the script as there was no ending in sight. (@edwhitfield)

Stephenie Meyers has converted to Islam and is prepping a teen fantasy romance about shariah law.

The current @ManMadeMoon is the fifth clone of Duncan Jones. He is due to be replaced in July 2011.

The cast of Clerks can often be seen at San Diego zoo, feeding DVDs to lions.

Martin Scorsese has written a book called How to Milk Your Llama, but he can’t find a publisher.

In a fit of rage, Kirsten Dunst once posted herself to Moldova.

Most of the Apocalypse Now deleted footage is of Marlon Brando screaming at a duck for getting into his eyeline. (@LilTedLeighton)

Michael Gambon is the Blair Witch.

John Woo is confused by sandwiches.

(This one’s true …) Uwe Boll is too scared to fight Roger Ebert.

In a deleted scene from Ginger Snaps, Katharine Isabelle screams “I’m the Queen of Nigeria, motherfuckers!”

On Japanese prints of The Sound of Music, the poorly-translated subtitles refer to Liesl as “elk-fucker” throughout.

The Sound of Music is banned in Thailand, as “the hills are alive” is a slang euphemism for “your breasts are showing”.

After initial viewing, the MPAA demanded that Gandalf the Grey be renamed Gandalf the Octogenarian. (@malusman)

Angelina Jolie threw Brad Pitt out because he filled the entire top-floor of their house with a model railway.

The actor Ian McShane is actually a child’s painting bizarrely came to life. (@mondoghosto)

Tom Hanks was nearly fired from Big after shitting in Penelope Spheeris’s cornflakes. Today, directors just accept that it’s his way.

Rape enthusiast Meir Zarchi is planning a sequel to I Spit on Your Grave called I Dump on Your Cat.

Battleship Potemkin is a thinly-veiled metaphor for peanut allergy.

During rehearsals for ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ Tim Curry insisted on wearing blackface make-up. (@LilTedLeighton)

Megan Fox was so sore from the gender reassignment surgery, a stunt-double was used in over 60% of Transformers.’ (@danny_dickblood)

Sergio Leone didn’t know what a horse was, and believed he was being stalked by what he called “short-necked giraffes”.

Olly Blackburn is prepping a Donkey Punch sequel, called ‘Reverse Cow-girl Felch Disaster’.

Goonies 2, in which the kids discover masturbation and stop hanging out as much, never got beyond the first-draft stage.

Helen Mirren had to be over-dubbed after choosing to play the Queen with a Jamaican accent.

Avatar 2 – The Revengening will move away from the environment to focus on education and the unions.

As Linda Blair was too young, Mel Brooks played her vagina in The Exorcist’s ‘Let Jesus fuck you’ scene. (@LilTedLeighton)

All of the fight scenes in Yojimbo were choreographed by Ethel Merman.

Sam Worthington was bitten by James Cameron on the set of Avatar, and is slowly turning into a Campire.

Christina Ricci researched her role in Black Snake Moan by staying at Ann Widdecombe’s Brighton whore refuge.

The House of Wax remake only became a ‘re-imagining’ when Paris Hilton’s Vincent Price impression proved less acute than she had promised.

The white goo in Bugsy Malone’s splurge guns was produced by the crew, and regurgitated into the guns by Scott Baio.

If you pause Disturbia at just the right moment you can see Shia La Boeuf’s career crying.

Breaking News: Megan Fox’s acting coach found dead, with the word ‘futility’ written on wall in excrement.

Christopher Walken and Sandra Bullock in Loinshaver: The Legend of Rusty Hook. Directed by Brian De Palma. (@stuntcock_mike)

Leaked documents suggest Warner Bros are planning to use Potter income to build a Zionist super-state on the moon.

Oliver Reed was almost fired from Oliver for repeatedly fellating himself between takes.

The Na’vi phrase “I see you” is actually Swahili for “One of my buttocks is twitching.”

Days before his death, John Hughes finished writing Ferris Bueller 2 – The Revengening. Paris Hilton is attached to direct.

The makers of Lesbian Vampire Killers have optimistically ordered 4 cases of Bollinger for the day of the Oscar nominations.

Fox Searchlight have embargoed 2 photos from the set of Sunshine, in which Danny Boyle can be seen eating a bag of kittens.

The mound of triceratops shit in Jurassic Park was collected after two days of following Holly Hunter with a shovel.

Jamie Lee Curtis has a Va-jay-jay, 2 Johnsons and 3 nip-nips. (@leeblackwood)

Mickey Rourke only got the lead in The Wrestler after killing and eating his own dog to prove his brute strength. (@mondoghosto)

The mound of triceratops shit in Jurassic Park was collected after two days of following Holly Hunter with a shovel.

The Na’vi word for “Unobtanium” is “Macguffin.” (@malusman)

Coffin Joe was hired to direct Harry Potter 7.5, but fired when the script he submitted climaxed in a Hermoine-centred blood orgy.

Jack Lemmon’s life-long dream project was about the consequences of unprotected sodomy, and entitled Some Like It Felched.

Paedo News: Chloe Moretz is being considered for the lead in Emmanuelle 14: The Re-spunkening.

Gaspar Noe’s proposed remake of the Psycho remake has been shelved due to his refusal to remove the golden shower scene.

Original titles: Precious, based on the novel Fat Thick Bitch by Sapphire.

Rejected titles: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Blah, Blah, Fucking Blah.

The Muppets Take Manhattan 2: The Revengening will climax with Gonzo flying a hijacked plane into the UN building.

While shooting ’300′ over 467 gallons of oil (2 parts coconut,1 part semen) was applied to male talent by director Zack Snyder. (@danny_dickblood)

In 1986, a drunk judge granted Mel Brooks weekend custody of Molly Ringwald’s breasts.

Christina Ricci’s forehead was used as a shine-board for all Samuel L. Jackson’s close-ups in ‘Black Snake Moan’. (@danny_dickblood)

Kick-Ass 2: The Revengening already greenlit, but Vaughan to bail in favour of Bertolucci. Moretz seen buying lube at Wal-Mart.

Precious 2 With A Vengeance. Synopsis: Precious takes hostages on the top floor of KFC headquarters in Louisville. All perish. (@stuntcock_mike)

The script for Tony Scott’s Top Gun was originally written as a NAMBLA recruitment film. Scott added the planes.

Guy Ritchie’s Importance of Being Earnest adap ‘Ernie’ will climax with Lady Bracknell knifing up Cecily in a saucy boozer.

Christian Bale was meant to be born on the 29th, but he refused to come out until the mid-wife was out of his eye-line. (Bale’s birthday celebration tweet from 30/01/10)

Russell Crowe replaced Mel Gibson on Gladiator when Gibson turned up on set wearing spandex and answering only to ‘Boxinator’.

To aid in the reconstruction efforts in Haiti, Tommy Lee Jones has donated his face, to be used as sandpaper. (@danny_dickblood)

In prep for his role in ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ Billy Crystal consumed nearly two litres of Meg Ryan’s enema sludge. (@danny_dickblood)

James Cameron now believes he ejaculates money. His donation to Haiti was politely returned.

If Laura Dern and Bruce Campbell ever meet, their chins will cause reality to crack open, disgorging fauns, salmon and elks.

Rejected titles: The Boy in the Striped Death-Camp Uniform of Doom.

The original “Wilhelm Scream” is a recording of Burt Reynolds during a bikini wax. (@malusman)

While researching her role for Dead Man Walking, Susan Sarandon carried out thirteen executions.

Rush Limbaugh attempted suicide after becoming aroused during the Stars & Stripes threesome in Shortbus.

In stores now, from the makers of the George Foreman grill – the Michael J Fox signature milkshake-maker.

There is a list on the wall in George Lucas’s office with the words ‘New Orleans’ and ‘Haiti’ crossed out.

Martin Sheen is really Charlie Sheen’s mother. (@carlwinberg)

If Jar-Jar Binks ever met the jive-bots from Transformers 2, the racial stereotyping would stop time.

Kurt Russell’s first foray in showbiz was ventriloquism. Act ended when he fell in love with the puppet & tried to marry it. (@mondoghosto)

Don Johnson is banned from entering the Netherlands as his name literally translates as “Dildo Hands” in Dutch. (@mondoghosto)

According to tradition, someone must fight James Cameron to the death to regain the title of “King of the World.” (@malusman)

Film Unfacts proudly presents – the unvarnished truth about Avatar’s James Cameron,    everyone’s favourite sci-fi wife-hopper.

Born in 1961, the son of Siamese immigrant farmers, in the apartheid-era township of Mong, Cecil Jakov “Jim” Kamronberg has risen from humble, crap-encrusted roots to universal acclaim as the lord of all film and the official, actual King of the World.

Jim’s first brush with the movie world came while he was working at Peeping Tom’s Topless casino in Reno, in a chance encounter with David Carradine during the filming of Desert Kill Fist.   After wiping the ejaculate from young Jim’s jacket and knees,  Carradine apologised profusely and offered Jim the make-up or continuity girl of his choice.  His selection, Rita Lauren McAdoo, became the first of Cameron’s eighteen (to date) wives, and introduced him to his cinematic mentor Rambo Duke.

It was while working at Duke’s cheapo exploitation company Crazy Chainsaw Productions that Jim first laid eyes on what was to become his one true love; a 1941 Steenbeck 16mm flatbed editor. In the summer of 1976, Jim happened to be on the set of Panty Beast 2: The Revengening, when troubled director Ephraim Trachtenberg underwent a catastrophic internal haemorrhage and was rushed to hospital. Duke, in a panic, drafted in the nearest functioning staff-member to replace him, and Jim took over for the remainder of the two-day shoot, sharing the director credit (as Cecil Cameron) with the trustees of Trachtenberg’s estate.

Following the success of Panty Beast 2 (eighteen prints toured drive-in theatres for six whole months), Jim was asked to direct again, but in a rare burst of egomania he demanded to be allowed to write his own script. Duke acquiesced to this request, and Netherbeast went into production in April 1977. Jim, now working (and living) as James von Cameron, had recently begun a relationship with Crazy Chainsaw production executive Gale Bubbalo, and he divorced his first wife Rita on the first day of Netherbeast’s three-week shoot. But that was to be Jim’s only happy memory of the shoot – one week in, the lead actress suffered nipple failure, and all the nude scenes had to be replaced with stock footage from the National Geographic. Shortly afterwards, Lance Henriksen, playing the role of Steam-boat Ted, was found in his dressing room squatting over a Japanese hooker.  Cameron intended to fire the actor, but Henriksen placated him by promising to work for free in all of the director’s future projects.

Netherbeast failed at the box office, but Cameron persisted with his singular vision, and when his impacted-haemorrhoid time-travel action script The Terminizer landed on the desk of Fox executive Mort Rubinek, Jim’s Hollywood career began.  A few rewrites later, the film went on to earn somewhere in the region of three billion dollars (estimated), and a sequel, which Cameron initially based on the tricky subject of rectal prolapse, was quickly ordered.

Although Cameron has a reputation for being “a bit of a cunt” on set (in the words of tea-lady Doris Dangs, whom the director put in the stocks at Pinewood for three days), most of his leading actors are quick to praise him.  “Jim knows what he wants, and he’ll fuck the shit out of anyone who fucks with his fucking vision,” says Carrie Henn (Newt in Aliens), while Sigourney Weaver, who became Cameron’s sixth wife after a drunken evening playing with guns, has stated “he’s actually not that much of a cunt, when you get to know him.”

In 1997, Cameron was awarded a special Academy award when the drooling sycophants of Hollywood voted him the official ‘King of the World’ for his sixteen-hour soggy ginger-bird epic Titanic.  Ain’t-It-Cool News voted the film number one in its ‘best twist endings ever’ countdown, and it is estimated that more people watched the film than actually existed on Earth at the time, raising the possibility that beings from other dimensions are visiting our universe via wormholes, specifically to watch over-blown popcorn melodramas. Following the colossal reach-around that followed Titanic’s release, Cameron spent over a decade gleefully masturbating over his bank statements and marrying and divorcing an endless sequence of bit-part actresses.

Such was the success of Titanic, and so celebrated was Cameron, that nobody in the production department actually listened to the details when he turned up at Fox to pitch a smurf-porn remake of Dances With Wolves. Fortunately, international cinema audiences were in a similar state of awe-filled inattentiveness, and the film is now on course to earn every dollar ever printed.  The real irony of Avatar is of course that Cameron didn’t direct it – he has been in a sensory deprivation tank for the last three years, remotely piloting the alcoholic Scotsman robo-clone we’ll be seeing at all the awards ceremonies for the remainder of time. (Although it is worth mentioning that the robo-clones tend start breaking down after three years, and a vault full of identical frozen Camerons is located in the bowels of his Malibu beach house.)

Here at the home of FilmUnfacts, we will be celebrating the birth, death, marriage, loss-of-virginity and Bar Mitzvah of the latest craze to utterly fail to take the web by storm.

As well as publishing a weekly digest of Twitter’s best Unfacts from ourselves and others, this site will provide a place for deep thinkers to relax in the comforting embrace of utter bullshit.  We’ll be publishing full-length bollocks, breaking made-up news stories and remorselessly slandering the great and the good of the movie world.

You can add to the Unfact fun on Twitter, by tagging a made-up fact with the hashtag #FilmUnfacts – if 140 characters is too confining for your finely-honed cineturds, you can chuck them on here, or post them on your own damn blog and tell us about it in the vain hope that we’ll give a rat’s arse. You never know your luck.